Learning to breathe

Deborah Ope
Apr 30, 2021
6 min read

Updated: Jan 25

Sometimes I lay in bed and it feels like I’m in this battle of constantly struggling to deal with life all on my own. I’ve often contemplated whether others feel the same, to the extent of the same depth and intensity as I do. We often hear people sound out similar feelings or experiences, but it's difficult to measure out the degree to which they feel, without actually being on the inside and consuming their feelings. Therein lies the alienating feeling; the idea that we’re in it alone.

The truth is, for some of us, we aren’t truly alone despite our mind telling us otherwise. We may have someone of confidence such a family member, friend or therapist that we could run to for help, and assist us in staying afloat. Yet, there are those moments when we are physically alone and with our thoughts, while filled with an overwhelming sense of displacement and loneliness. It is those moments which are often the most difficult to deal with, we have to tackle. There’s a difference between being alone and feeling lonely, and when it comes to the former, its important to learn how to breathe and be comfortable in those times.

In all honesty, I can’t say that I myself, always get it right, but it’s something I am actively and consistently working on, and that’s what matters. We don’t have to be constantly "on" all the time. Some days are allowed to be tough, other days we are just being; without any thought or effort necessary. I’ve been learning to breathe better and its bitter sweet. The air is so much lighter, my heart beats somewhat at a peaceful pace, and my mind is learning to let go. It’s not a feeling I have everyday but in some sense, when looking at the grand scheme of things, its a feeling that just wraps me. I’m not sure if what I’m describing is the feeling of being at peace with oneself, but it’s certainly an experience everyone is deserving of having in life. The most important relationship a person can have, whether it be a friendship or a romantic affiliation/bond, is the relationship with oneself. So, it is important to work on it, because that strength you gain from being in touch with yourself, seeing your value and self-worth is what forms the purest of love, happiness, and contentedness. Anything more would just be an added bonus. The writer, R.H. Sin, whose written words have helped me through a lot, once said, “when you dream of true love, I hope you dream of yourself”. I hope this resonates with you and helps you in your moment of need.

Learning to breathe

We are artists in some ways, in that we are able to sometimes control how we respond to situations even if we cannot control our thoughts, or the events that come at us. Like any form of artistry or skill, it requires practice and several experiments of trial and error to figure out what works. Every individual is different, and as I am a work in progress, this is what works for me from time to time.

As an over thinker, I allow myself to delve into my thoughts and feelings. I think its important to accept them as they come but not necessarily dwell on them. We hear the phrase frequently now , that 'feelings are temporary visitors', and while we may not see it that way when it’s happening, it’s important to connect to the reality that feelings can be real and valid to you, but they’re not always true. So I allow myself time to process it all as they come. A suggestion I’ve given to a number of friends and on my podcast, is to write it all down. As a writer, I connect with that form of processing, but I think it's beneficial even for those who may not connect with writing, to use it as a method for tracking the progression of your thoughts. Writing can be difficult, but when it's about spilling your raw emotions to yourself, that’s not always the case. It could be as simple as creating a section in the notes app of your phone, or any other journaling app you have available to you, and just writing down how you feel that day, or expressing the thoughts that have been running through your mind, then dating them. Dating down each note or expression, allows you to journey back with time stamps, and watch how your feelings have evolved. I hope this helps as much as it has helped me, because even on the days I don’t feel like writing, I look back and see how I felt in the past, some of those feelings I don’t have as strongly anymore and some are just a memory. There have been days I’ve felt so overwhelmed with my thoughts, writing just didn’t seem possible, and other times it felt like the only thing that could help me. If you absolutely detest writing, or you just don’t feel like writing, even though you want to express your thoughts, create a voice memo and just pour out whatever it is you’re thinking. This, unlike any form of writing, will allow you hear the rawness of your emotions, then you can hit the play back button on a day you feel emotionally and mentally ready to hear it.

In my journey of learning to breathe, I’ve learned an important technique about dealing with the anxious thoughts that often keep me feeling unsettled, nervous, and for the most part, confused. This might be the hardest one, especially for people who have clinical anxiety, because it sometimes involves confronting the thoughts (PSA I’m not a licensed professional). It’s something I’m still learning to do, but I had a therapist better explain it as, ‘questioning what those thoughts or feelings are trying to tell you’. There might be a bigger picture at hand or it might just be a negative thought you have to shut down, but if its a reoccurring feeling, its definitely something to look into and examine what you can learn from it. It could also be a sign to maybe seek help and confidence with a someone close or a licensed professional, who would be better equipped to guide you through coping strategies. There is no shame or weakness in asking for help, in fact, it takes a lot of strength to realize when you need help and to further make the decision to seek it.

Above everything said, in my view, the most significant action that we can take in learning to breathe and reclaiming agency over ourselves, would be recognizing and establishing our boundaries. It’s taken me a long time to establish my boundaries, and I’ve spoken about it in previous blog posts and podcasts, that one of the major challenges that come with affirming boundaries, is that it often takes someone crossing them in order for you to recognize what they mean to you and when they’ve been breached. Unhealthy boundaries can come in the form of always putting other people’s comfort above yours. I saw a quote on instagram about a year ago that I’ve held on to since, that said, “you do not have to set yourself on fire, to keep others warm”. I see that quote as service reminder to establish healthy boundaries with myself and my relationship with others. You have to learn to prioritize yourself in your own life, otherwise others will be willing to drain you of the energy you freely give. Protect your energy, for it is your light and your fire. I also read somewhere once, that when you fail to set personal healthy boundaries, you end up prioritizing and placing other people’s comfort over your safety and emotional stability. I think the wisest and healthiest system to follow is the safety instruction we frequently hear on the airplane, which is to secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others. It is not selfish to consider yourself first, as society often makes us to feel. Rather, it is acting upon your self-interest by taking care of yourself, but not at the expense of others. I think that’s the ultimate self-care and self-love, in knowing when to nourish your own needs.

It takes practice to un-learn old habits and develop healthy new ones. Have at the back of your mind that there should be no rush or deadline in figuring out how to breathe and gain stability. Pace yourself and know that however long it takes to learn and figure things out is okay because as long as you're trying your best, that's what counts. And remember, it's okay to also sometimes 'just be'.

*What you're going through is never too small. It's okay to ask for help.

For Mental Health Resources, view the list below.