Can you see the fuck you in my smile?

Living with Anxiety

Certain changes or gravitational shifts that alter the stability in your life can be a great test of your mental health and stability. For some it could just be a bad day, hour, or couple minutes that could ultimately make you feel like you're not in control. Sometimes it's not even the event or trigger that breaks you so much as where your mind takes you and once it leaps off course it's hard to reel it back in.

I can't speak for everyone. Only for myself, but sometimes it's like my drowning and I'm struggling to reach the surface while there is no one around. I’m only surrounded by the vastness of the ocean as I’m scrambling to breathe. It sounds highly melodramatic and maybe it is but isn’t that what anxiety does to you? It over exaggerates your rationality and amplifies your situation and uncertainties. I haven’t been medically diagnosed with anxiety or a form of panic disorder just generalized anxiety. I honestly believe that’s up for debate and total bullshit because nothing about it feels generalized. What usually triggers anxiety for me is social interactions and a few other personal things I’ve been aware over the last few years. Recently though, I feel anxious all the time and this year it feels like it’s gotten worse and harder to control because it’s been more difficult to pinpoint the cause or trust my gut. The only variable that has changed and contributed to a decline in my mental health is my environment.

There’s a constant battle between what we know and what we feel and I believe that’s what gives life and breath to our fears and insecurities. It’s important to take note that you are not your feelings and you are bigger than what is making you anxious. Nevertheless, your feelings matter and you should be allowed to feel how you feel at any given moment, it just important to realize that you don’t have to understand what it means instantly. I find writing to be a very therapeutic way for me to process my emotions and something that I’ve found very helpful is to write down everything that I feel (my preferred choice is the Notes App) while I’m experiencing it. I jot down the date manually (so I can keep track) and each time I write a new note in reference to those similar anxious feelings, I have a dated record of the evolution of my feelings that I track and assess. It’s not for everyone especially if you don’t like writing but it can work, especially if you’re one to overthink and struggle with processing your emotions.

I don’t have all the answers as I’m constantly dealing with my own as well but I do know that it doesn’t just go away. It’s something you have to actively manage and live with but honestly, fuck it because you can’t let your anxiety or mental health dictate and determine how you live your life. With that said, I try to take control by surrounding myself with a positive and a holistic synergy because let’s face it, your environment heavily affects the way you feel. Some of the proactive methods I’ve taken are:

• To write down words of affirmations on my walls and mirror with a different colored sticky notes with words and phrases specifically tailored to myself. You’re supposed to say them back to yourself everyday and although I actually don’t, it’s nice to have them sometimes.

• Going for a walk outside. I can be quite impulsive with my feelings and sometimes I just need to catch my breath, so I normally throw some earphones on and go for a long walk while listening to some music to clear my head.

• Taking up reading. I did that for almost a month when I was in a bad space but truthfully it wasn’t for me. I like reading, maybe not as much as I like writing, but similarly just like writing, I need to find the time and patience for it. Which is why I found listening to podcasts to be a lot efficient and flexible. You can listen to it on your way to work, school or while you’re getting ready in the morning. (Recommended podcasts: Modern Love (NYT), Unstyled (R29), Tiny Desk (NPR) ).

• Working Out. Some people find working out and going to the gym as method of putting themselves in a great head space because it takes consistency and dedication. It's also a great way to put yourself in a routine. The gym has never been my thing, never will be. However I do go for walks everyday and more recently I started doing yoga and pilates twice a week. It's a great way to destress and work on your body and mental focus.

• Be creative. Everyone has their niche and interests whether it's music, drawing, painting. Anything that puts you in a good place, do it and do intentionally. I'm a writer, so I'm working on being more consistent with producing content. Now and then I dabble in podcasting and graphic designing.

Most of all, it's important to seek help because it's okay to need support. It's great to have a support network of friends and family but at the end of the day even if they want what's best for you, they might know what's best because they're not experts or professionals. Your mental health is nothing to be ashamed of and it should not be stigmatized. It's hard to ask for help or know when you really need it. I recently started going to therapy and there was no one event that triggered it. I just got to a point where everything I was feeling was intense and it was just getting erratic even after I'd made attempts to work on it on my own. I didn't decide all in one day. The idea slowly came crept into my mind and eventually, I got the courage to get up and see a therapist.

So far I'll say it's a work in progress. It's not that easy open up to someone you don't know. I think there's a lot of trial and error to see what method works for you. Some sessions are good, some are harder others which makes the those days even more difficult to be able to get by. I can't fully assess whether it's working but I will say this, it's helped me analyze and think about certain events and areas that I didn't understand.