The Anxiety of Writing: Embracing Vulnerability in Content Creation

In life, there is only trying

It's been over three years since the last blog post on Wallflower. Over three years of random rough drafts, topic ideas, brainstorming, and ultimately procrastinating on the idea of producing any worthwhile content. After some time, I came to realise that the issue had nothing to do with the ideas, topics, or lack thereof; as I have had a myriad of subject matters that I could've drawn from in order to write. The root of the matter was, and always has been, the fear and anxiety I get surrounding the quality of my work which, can be explained in two prongs. You see, historically, I've been known to be over-exacting and pedantic when it comes to writing because I grapple with the notion that it is has to be perfectly and flawlessly perceived. This meant that my writing had to be executed in such a way that a reader would understand what I was trying to convey at all times, based on my perception and utility of the words. Now, anyone who has taken a literature or philosophy class and with an understanding of 'close reading' would know that there can be many interpretations. German philosopher Martin Heidegger said, “Man acts as though he were the shaper and master of language, while in fact language remains the master of man.” I'll leave you to reflect and consider your own interpretation of that. Nevertheless, what I was trying to achieve was impossible, because you can never have full control over the interpretation of a narrative. The utmost a person can do is influence it. The second prong surrounding my anxiety is the fear that my writing is only as good as my difficult experiences; an internal struggle that tugs at my willingness to write.

Upon what I can only describe as a very recent creative breakthrough, I now realise that it may have been easier to write when I was going through some of life's trials because writing has always been an outlet for me, and with it, my creativity bloomed. There was no overthinking or second-guessing my writing; the only overthinking was about my feelings, so I would write everything unfiltered, and worry about editing later.

At the end of the day, the quality of my writing is up to me, and the type of effort that I invest into it, and it is not determined solely on the circumstances that come into my life. This realisation has encouraged me to push through my anxiety face-on, and approach writing differently in order to forge more consistent work. Take, for instance, this think piece; although it had taken me about a week to put together, I found that I did not have to spend over a month over-analysing the process, and every sentence to perfection. That's not to say I did not fixate on some sentences here and there, as I'm still a work in progress, but it's to voice that it is possible to think freely, and piece words together into a form of writing.

As I continue to work through all my vulnerabilities with writing, I am looking to venture into the practice of free writing, which is an approach or strategy that disregards any structure, whereby you write non-stop without editing by allowing your thoughts to flow onto the page; this is also known as stream of consciousness writing. Ironically, it's how consider my mind to function. The hope is that this approach would help me attain a certain level of comfort, to the point where I can create and publish written content once a week.

Fear and vulnerability are emotional experiences that every writer must go through that at some point, and these experiences far beyond to the various art forms. It's about finding ways to break through and embrace vulnerability. Sometimes, you just need to try or do. So, to paraphrase Shonda Rhimes, if I want to be a writer, I have to write and simply be a writer.