To waking up and saying Goodbye

I felt like I needed to explain, if not to you then at least have it down somewhere.

The truth is you don’t deserve an explanation or even a better understanding. You ran out of time on that and missed your chance. This is to me moving on.

I thought a little about how I was going to translate this information. Face to face, but our interactions never go as planned. I might’ve wanted you to see and hear the raw honesty in my voice and on my face, but I didn’t want you to have control over my emotions and see my anger or hear me cry. Then there was the option to text you, but that seemed ill-conceived and inappropriate. I have the decency to do better. A voice note could have worked but something about it didn’t feel safe and the same went with the idea of a letter. Any communication had to either be face to face or none at all. Then I decided it wasn’t even worth any of that. I feel the safest when I write down all of my thoughts. So that’s why I decided to put it all down here. I told myself I wasn’t going to write about you again because honestly the anxiety that comes with publishing, waiting for a response, and the perception is exhausting. However, this truly is the last time because I’ve chosen to walk in the actions I’ve spoken about and do the healthiest thing for myself which is to cut all ties with you. Maybe there’s a future where I could consider you a friend again but at this moment, I can't see that.

The sudden decision came after I had spent a good portion of the last year in what I would describe as a complicated relationship/friendship with you. We had only been talking for a few months, but the funny thing about time is even just a month can feel like a lifetime and then later, just a distant memory. I'll say things were good back in the beginning when it was just fun, but it should probably have ended there. I've written previously about the entirety of the relationship when we used to talk, (An Unopened Jar Of Tomato Sauce) and I realise even back then that I was masking some of my truth with denial and justificative language. I was careful in the language and terms I used because I didn’t want to coin you as a bad person or even hurt your feelings even though I was hurting a lot. I guess I have been able to gain a better perspective throughout the journey of going from not really being friends, to being friends again and now absolutely nothing.

With me, you were always so wishy washy. You had this controlling and manipulative behaviour that I don’t think even you realised. You were never mean, always nice and thoughtful but as I’ve stated before, quite inconsiderate. I never truly knew what I meant to you, but you used language such as “I care about you” or “I value you”, and I think it’s because you thought that was what I wanted to hear. I tried my best to not get caught up in the words because you would also tell me about how you were still heartbroken over your ex-girlfriend which perfectly explained you wanting to be casual and it wasn’t like I was the only one involved with you. The thing is it always made me have to tiptoe around my thoughts. When we ended things, and we didn’t speak it was hard. How was I supposed to navigate my way around the loss of the friendship, when the whole relationship had been a secret? Now that was my doing, I must confess. It was hard but I didn’t regret it because the last thing I’d have wanted was for a lot people to have known about it.

What came in your behaviour was a lot of overcompensations by acting overly nice as though nothing had happened. As though I hadn’t informed you of the blog that I wrote for myself, but that was addressed to you, about everything; there was no response. Eventually I didn’t even see you at all, just awkward passes on the street when you drove your car or unfortunate run-ins at the bar in school. At a point when it seemed like things were starting to simmer down and the wave slowly passing, it almost seemed like we were getting to a point that we could speak until you used my blog as a punchline for a joke. You belittled everything that I felt and that was important to me with one snarky remark and that’s how I found out you read it. It had been three months later and that’s how I found out. Days later, I made the effort to be confrontational, not bottle my feelings in, so that right there, the dust could finally settle, and we could gain closure. It was the most intense and emotional conversation we had ever had. There were a lot of tears on my end with me struggling to find the right words to articulate my feelings. You said you were sorry about everything, and you explained how reading the blog was really difficult for you. I believed you and I still do. I don’t think that any of your actions or behaviours are meant to intentionally hurt me, but they just do because there is this complete disregard and I think it’s still fair to say that we process things differently.

What I found to be very manipulative in our conversation, even though we gained a breakthrough were some of the trigger words that you had used. Your words never translated into actions but yet you said you valued me, even though you didn’t show it. You told me that you think about me every day and I was silent because I didn’t know what to think or what to respond because I didn’t understand how you could be seeing someone else yet have the emotional space to think about me every day. Then you brought up your ex- girlfriend and reiterated how you’re still dealing with the damage and heartbreak from that relationship. So, in other words, you had three women on your mind. I was mind boggled, not because it’s not possible because it is. I mean everyone in their twenties is still trying to nagivate their path and figure out what the fuck they’re doing with their lives and emotions. I just saw it as a controlling way of engineering my thoughts and feelings about you. It’s okay to be confused about what you want but don’t use that in a way to either appease your guilt or satisfy your need to please people. It’s completely unfair but in some way, there is a side of me that was touched and tugged at understanding which was why I tried my best to not to focus on it. Then you also told me you weren’t sure you could continue to handle the relationship you had entered with the other girl cause from the beginning you mentioned you did not want a relationship. It was a lot of information to take in and I don’t believe I should have been entitled to hear that piece of information because honestly what was I supposed to do with it? Our talk felt like I did have a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, as though you finally gained some perspective as to how I felt but it also felt like somethings were left lost in translation.

Some time had passed after our conversation, then I began to notice that you started to spend more time with me. I enjoyed our time together, but I was sceptical as to what had changed that made you do so. What had changed your mind to make you feel the need or want to spend time with me? I was told to ignore it because it was situational on the fact that we were one of the few people left that knew each other in the dorms. However, that had been the situation for some time so why now, I thought? Why suddenly start hanging out with me after all these months? There had to be a change that amounted for this behaviour, but I decided to not overthink it, play it cool and pin it on the closure we had, for ironing things out.

So, when your birthday came up, I decided to gift you concert tickets that I thought you’d enjoy based on the music we’d listened to together in the past. For me it just represented getting something nice or sentimental for someone I cared about as it is something I enjoy doing for friends. I think maybe to some extent it is my way of expressing to someone that, I see you, I understand you and you mean something to me. That is why I wholeheartedly wanted for you to enjoy the tickets with whomever you wanted without feeling obligated invite me. It was a birthday gift, so you were free to use it as you pleased. However, you said you wanted to go with me, so we spent a whole day in London together having dinner and drinks before the concert. I thought to myself, that if we were able to get through the intense conversation we previously had and could spend a whole day together, we could definitely entertain the idea of a good friendship. I would say it was a good time and we had fun at the concert, though things started to become more intimate between us towards the end of the night and then you kissed me. I didn’t object to it and neither of us acknowledged what was going on, it was as though we were just living in the moment. You spoke of how I make you nervous and we behaved more intimate and closer together on our journey back home.

Eventually we were thrown back to reality when we returned to school and we never spoke about what happened between us. I thought about bringing it up numerous times, but I wasn’t sure if it was a conversation that was wanted, so I chose to leave it behind unless you brought it up. Ironically, it was around finals again, so there was lot going on with us separately. Our friendship appeared to have picked up during this time and you would text me more, wishing me luck on my exams or asking me how they went. You were even a complete life saver when you lent me your laptop for the exam period because mine crashed and going as far as taking me for my genius bar appointment and pickup. It’s like you’re able to do things like that without the bat of an eye that shows you’re caring or thoughtful, but the same question itched at me. How come you had returned into my life all of a sudden? What had changed because before this period we hadn’t even texted since we ended our relationship. In addition to that, I inferred from how things were going that there was some pause in his relationship with the other girl because that would be the only circumstance in which he would have kissed me. He is a lot of complicated things but the one thing he is not is an unfaithful and dishonest person plus he had mentioned before wanting to end it. I also would never have acted on anything if I was aware of the status of their relationship because I feel strongly about such things and I’m not one to interfere with anyone’s happiness. But you see, that was what was nagging at my brain because I wasn’t sure if all of this was connected. Call it an insecurity or my overthinking, but the perception and what it felt like, was that I was an available alternative for when things fell through the cracks and for what came next, it made me feel used and undervalued.

It was early during the Christmas break, and we had texted a little between that time, as you even dropped me off at the train station. I was hit with the insensitive and poorly planned message of you informing me that you had asked the girl you had been seeing to be your girlfriend. It was almost as though someone had hypothetically thrown me onto a train track because I felt so derailed, extremely manipulated and used. It wasn’t the fact that you had asked her to be your girlfriend that had upset me because I wasn’t looking to date or be in a relationship with you. I believe in going for whatever brings you happiness and if being with her is what you wanted, I was okay with that and our relationship had ended a while ago. What upset me was how you didn’t have the common courtesy to tell me in person because I know there was ample opportunity to do so or at least deliver the news with a phone call. It felt like you took the opportunity of me being on vacation to let me know and inherently ruin some of my time away. I also thought of you as a complete asshole for manipulating and misleading me with your words and also for kissing me; I felt used.

Why did you share all those feelings with me about thinking about me everyday or not wanting to be in the relationship you were in anymore? It all seemed like you were full of bullshit because even if you were figuring things out for yourself, you didn’t need to thrust me into the mix by blurring out any of the convictions and emotions that I held about also not want a relationship from anyone. It’s gaslighting at its best, because whatever notions that I develop in my head based on your behaviour and actions would easily be washed and watered down. You behaved like an asshole towards me but that’s not to say that is what or who you were overall or even with other people. It just happens to be my story with you, and I don’t know whether you’d understand or agree on where I’m coming from, but I felt it necessary to share my truth. I read something once that said, “It’s hard for people to admit when they’ve harmed you because it changes the perception of who they think they are or how they want to be perceived”. I could understand if that was the same case for you to some degree, and I understand if you decide to never read this.

I’ve spoken to him partially this year, with him delivering a rough apology for not treating me with respect and stating that he wanted us to continue in our friendship. Again, I’m not sure that he understands in detail what he is truly apologizing for, as he just wants everything to be okay and all ‘water under the bridge’. I cannot change someone’s behaviour or force them to think differently, so I accepted all he had to say with a grain of salt. Nonetheless, I do not think I could stay friends with someone who doesn’t display respect or value for me as a person, especially after I’d already given the friendship another shot with the same repeated behaviour. Ultimately, I’m just exhausted with the back and forth that we’ve been through which is why I’m choosing to end all ties with you.

I’m not bitter, just passionate, disappointed and a little sad. But I have seen myself for what I am actually worth rather than for what I am worth to you or how you treated me. You didn’t deserve an explanation because you can no longer be worth it to me, not anymore. For me, energy is about reciprocation. You give it to get it, and in following the principle that energy can never truly be lost, I’m transferring my energy onto more positives in my life and shutting the back door. No more back and forth, no more anxiety about what the current status is on us, no more anything. Just cordial greetings and exchanges of simple niceties because I don’t hate you or have any bad blood towards you, I have only just reached my breaking point. It’s seems sudden, rash even, and maybe a little confusing but it’s not at all. Rather I have gained clarity and chosen to put myself first. Now you’re just a memory from the past. Like a dream I once had but now I’ve woken up and I’m smelling the coffee and thank God because it’s a brand-new day, a brand-new year.

Goodbye Ginger