When it rains, it pours

Nothing in life could possibly have prepared me for life after graduation and the many side effects that came along with post-grad. No one shares about post-grad depression, the struggles to find your footing in the real world or even the possible fragility in the relationship between you and your parents. It makes me wonder, were many just going through their struggles alone without sharing and how did they get through it because a manual or a guide in the form of a podcast would be great.

There were a few signs that a storm was coming ahead most of which centered around the anticipation of 'what next after college?' but that was a line of questioning every senior in college was getting towards the end and I was applying to law school. I thought things would be different for me because as many people were applying to enter the work world, law school applications presented a more structured and attainable path. If I applied to enough colleges, I was sure to get into at least two, well that's what I told myself and the same advice my pre-law advisor gave me. I put most of my attention into my law school applications and the bare minimum to none, into applying for any real jobs because I was committed to getting a law degree. My grades the last three semesters had gone up with my GPA and I ensured I got nothing less than A's and B's, shooting for A's in the classes I could. I was one of those students who struggled most of my academic career as testing didn't come easily to me, so I was more than pleased when my GPA the end of the semester was a 3.6. That had never happened before; I'm typically a B- student at most.

Nevertheless my strives could not keep up with my past grades and my LSAT scores were less than average so in conclusion my grades were not likely to meet the requirements for many law schools. This realisation had dawned on me earlier in the year when I attended a pre-law society and our advisor was throwing statistics and numbers on the chances of getting into a college based on our LSAT score and GPA. I rushed out at the end of the meeting crying, feeling a wave of anxiety and suffocation, (a feeling I am just starting to have a better understanding of) and went to my room to find any form of distraction from harsh reality; I went to sleep. I continued to work hard on my grades and expand my application list.

My reality began to sink in when my rejection letters came in. If the envelope was small, I knew it was a rejection and if it came in an email or the application portal it was more so the same. Despite this, I constantly reaffirmed myself saying the school didn't deserve me or it wasn't meant to be and slowly I started editing my resume and filling out job applications on LinkedIn and Glassdoor. My friends comforted me and give me assurances that I would get into a school of my choice which held no basis or guarantees but I knew it was a form of emotional support they knew I needed because we were and are all trying to figure out 'what next?'. By my graduation I was waitlisted into three schools and I had gotten into Loyola New Orleans with not one responce from my top choice. It didn't matter that I didn't want to go to New Orleans or that I had applied there last minute, I had gotten in and it was the only thing confirmed in my life and I could walk graduation sayin I'm going to law school. Also I had all summer to hear from the rest of my schools and I continued looking for jobs and taking phone interviews.

The moment I graduated I became more uncertain about my life. I started to question my interests and what I wanted to do with my life saying 'do I even want to go to law school?' and 'I am fine if I don't end up in law school?'. My family was constantly asking if I heard any news from the rest of the schools and although my early summer was fun, everyone around me wanted to know my plans. I didn't know my plans, all I knew in the past was that I'd be starting law school in the fall but I was no longer sure if that's what I wanted. I had spent the better of seven or eight years saying I wanted to be a lawyer because I believe in justice and activism, I never once question whethere a career in law was the only way to achieve that. My summer of clubbing and partying was also one I dubbed of self-realisation and awakening filled with deep and intellectual conversations with friends and people I'm close to that led me closer to understand what I wanted to do with my life. I believe Abraham Maslow would say I skipped a few steps in his hierarchy of needs by jumping to self-actualisation without fulfilling my esteem needs or emotional security. The only explanation I have for this lack of security is anxiety. I have not been officially diagnosed but recently its the only thing that makes sense. I'm anxious most of the time, nervous, and pleasantly socially awkward. It affects many things in my life but I'm learning to validate and reassure myself and not seek validation from anyone. Its one of those lesson I'm constantly re-learning in different ways to know my worth and acknowledge that everything about me is criteria enough but I'm human so some days are tough. Nevertheless I feel more awaked about myself, who I want to be and what I want do than ever before. I just haven't figured out how to get there and for now that's okay.

Ironically, the tipping point of my tragedy all came on June 27, 2018, my twenty-second birthday. I awakened to the feeling of impending melancholy right before I woke up my mum, perplexed that her and my dad had not bothered to come wish me happy birthday. I was not one filled with high expections for birthdays with surprise parties or even gifts because for the last six or so years my birthdays have been average at best. But it was my birthday so I was little bit excited, however the response I received from my parents was the complete opposite. They were tired from the night before after attending a prayer vigil I completely forgot had happened and my mum had just flown back into Lagos the day before. Fuse that with my failure to get into a good law school and my noncomformity towards the ideologies of church and religion and before their eyes I was a complete and utter dissappointment seated before them. Seated on the the living room couch, (which now that I reflect back on it has been the hub of the main conversations that resulted in my tears) my parents began to strip me apart by berating me on how I am the biggest failure. In their own way, their insenstitivity and discipline is how they show that they care and love me; tough love and in their defence it had worked well for their first three children. In my opinion that's not the only efficient way to love but its the only way they know how or at least the path they chose. It's one of the flaws in cultures that strongly believe in discipline, some parents forget that you can choose to be firm when necessary with you child but also maintain a healthy and close relationship but I digress.

After the heated lecture with my parents, I found myself lacing my sneakers and rushing myself outside for a walk just to catch my breath and exert some weighted energy to walking. With tears streaming down my face, I put my phone on airplane mode to block out the world and paced the street of my neighbourbood in the pouring rain, listening to Sam Smith while replaying the conversation in my head. I have been known in the past to be melodramatic but in that moment I just wanted the world to stop or at least just be able to escape. Today there are still times I want to escape but I am yet to figure out where to or how to make it happen. That day brought me back to the same lesson I keep learning on self-validation. It's very easy to allow the voices of the naysayers and the people who extend and project their fears or lack of belief unto you but you have to have your own mind. The first thing my sister said to me when I summarised what happened was, "Why are you listening to them?" and she was right because I need to have my own mind and convictions. When I reflect back on the multiple interactions and conversations I've had with my parents overtime, I know the reality is that they are afraid and worried about amount and that's often a parent's job to worry. It's just imperative to never allow fear or worry hold you down.

P.S my birthday had a positively interesting turn. There was a lovely Tres leches cake with a bottle of champagne, courtesy of my sister and brother-in-law. I had a nice brunch with my friends who had a mutual understanding of going through shit!